Hey, Phats....Look what I have!
Are you jealous, being that I INVENTED THIS SAYING!!!



Merci Beaucoup, Cher!

It'S a SpiDeR, MaN!

Dear Snapple:

Today I was minding my own business, drinking my Snapple. MMMM...Such a refreshing sidekick for my lunch...I look under the cap...Usually, you win a prize under beverage lids...What did my my lid say?

"The average person eats 8 spiders in a lifetime while sleeping."


What the hell?



The world of useless information has gone too far...Even knowing the word Spider was sloshing around in my Snapple made me ill...

Why the hell does Snapple think they should be the one to offer PSAs about what we eat in the privacy of our own beds?
Keep a Snapple bedside...it'll make that puppy go down easy!

Tell me I am not the only one to get my appetite ruined over this surprise message.



So I was then thinking...
Is this urban legend?
Snapple, is it true?
What about the chick who sliced her tongue licking envelopes and a spider egg crawled in?

The eggs crawl in the eggs crawl out....

And what about the girl who had an earache for a year, and finally went to the doctor, and they found it was a wax-embalmed spider smashing up against her brain?

So I am afraid to sleep now, scared stiff about sending a Birthday card, and terrified a tarantula is going to seek refuge in my ear...

Thanks a lot, Snapple...

Stick to what you do best...scaring us with this chick was enough:
At least I know she won't fit in my mouth!

Signed,

Mouth Taped-Shut

Solid Gold!

If Solid Gold was on TV today, who would be the Rick Dees and Marilyn McCoo?




First one to say Ryan Seacrest dies...that is too easy....

Sucks to Be You

I realized I use the term sucks to be you a lot...
From this day forward, I will refrain from desensitizing the phrase and only use it for stuff like this...

Is it Just Me...Or Does Anna Look Stunning?

Or do I have trashy taste?

Well, I've officially been 'tagged' for the first time. Stacy took my virginity. I guess I've been sacrificed and I am joining the meme world,too.

Somehow this posting is supposed to reveal who you really are....It's like the magic 8 ball!

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same

Here is mine....

"At first, I was a little grossed out, wondering if a ladle of brown gravy and cheese curds with fries is really what I needed to accompany my greasy Whopper with extra mayo. "

I was blogging about Poutine, the damn stuff on fries in Canada....

Tag, you're it-
Sherri
Phats
Gareth
Patsy Darling
Bobby
Have fun, and I hope it is as good for you as it was for me!!!

Call me Tyson, I Just Got In My First Blog Fight!

Apparently someone out there lurking decided to rip me a new on on a friend's blog...

Boy, did he set me straight.

According to this individial, I am a hypocritical, Hot Topic shopping, pony-tailed, un-unique character.

Perhaps I am a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Apparently this person frequents my blog. So I must be really great.


At least I sleep well at night cuz I do what R. Kelly would do.

***kisses to all my fans*****

"Amish" you, Amish Kids!

There's all this hype lately about the show Lost...Here is what's Lost, the Amish Kids.

Phats and I are the only people who actually added this show as part of our weekly routine when it aired last year...



Dear UPN,
In the whole history of being on air, you only had one television show worthy
of my time. Amish in the City.

Forget Star Trek Enterprise, The Parkers, and Roswell. Those shows only got me a prescription for Ritalin.

What happened to the Amish Kids?

I am concerned about my simple-living friends...

Where are they now?
Were they shunned from their homes for getting Californicated?
Did any of them jump the Scientologist band [covered]wagon?
Do they long for clothing from theGap?
Do they crave Arby's?
Did Randy marry Miriam?
Did Mose get any offers to sell his fun wooden toys to a Chinese manufacturer?
Jonas' dream was to go to college..Is he partying at Cal State Chico?

I really don't care what happened to the City kids.
I think they all sucked, and had no business representing the free world...Especially that bee-toch Whitney from South Central, and Kevan, with an "A". I sort of cared about Reese, the token gay guy, but it passed.

Finally a show I thoroughly enjoyed, and you insist on television dysentary...
Please end my pain. Set up a reunion show. VH1 does them all the time.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Viewer

I'm switching to the WB network...
After I write them a letter insisting they bring back this guy:

The Two Best Things in My Life-

Jinxy here with a coconut that is carved into a monkey-face...

The Real Reason San Francisco Makes Me Hostile

Thanks a lot, Design Goddess, for pointing this out...How could we forget?

This is the real reason to detest San Francisco.


There is so much to hate about this show...where do I start?


Joey-A loser-dork of a guy who cannot get through one episode without talking like Yogi Bear...Is it true, or urban legend that Alanis Morrisette wrote "You Outta Know" about him? Apparently someone was a fan...

Uncle Jesse-This slacker is the King of Mullets...Have Mercy!
Michelle- Nothing, I mean nothing, makes me more hostile than hearing stupid Michelle say crap like, "You got it, dude." It ain't cute. It's retarded.

DJ-This is the only 11 year old I know who wears more makeup than a French whore and she dates boys!
Steph-she could've been killed off and no one would care. Whiny little over-bited-lisp kid...
Danny-Hated his stupid "Honey jokes" on America's Funniest Home Videos...
Kimmy Gibbler-This whore is the only good thing to come out of this show
Becky-This bitch married a slacker, but is totally oh-so-successful as a news anchor woman...I hate her...
Ratings are down? Let's add triplets! or where they twins?



There. I feel better getting this off my chest...
"You got it, dude..."

Its the Weekend, and I am in LA!!!!

Boredom and Screwed Blogspot Has Driven Me to This...

Here I am, jumping on the blogger bandwagon!!!


Seven things I plan to do before I die:
-Become fluent in French
-Marry someone in Vegas after knowing him 10 minutes
-Divorce him 24 hours later
-Own an boat
-Make peace with my estranged sister
-Quit smoking cigarettes
-Own a big black poodle


Seven things I can do:
-Talk smack about almost anything
-Buy my dream car, a Volvo S60
-Move on
-Memorize useless information
-Imitations of Sylvester the Cat, Daffy Duck, and Cartman
-Drive a stick shift
-Enjoy my own company

Seven things I cannot do:
-Play the role of helpless female/damsel in distress
-Watch Will and Grace, Friends, or Mad About You
-Dwell on the would've beens/could've beens
-Speak Spanish
-Overcome my addiction to tabloids
-Drive without cursing at people
-Live outside of California

Seven things that attract me to another person:
Quick wit
Perception
Bluntness
Polititally Incorrect-ness
Free-spirited
Sarcasm
Knowledge of pop culture

Seven things I say most often:
Get Bent
Serious...
That's weak
Oh-ok
Yes
No lie...
That's jacked up.



Seven celebrity crushes:
Beck
Brandon Boyd
Mya
Ryan Duhamel
Talan from Laguna Beach
Scott Weiland from Velvet Revolver/STP
Angelina Jolie

Seven favorite songs:
All Mixed Up- 311
Badfish- Sublime
Butterfly-Crazytown
Come Into My Dreams-Foggy
You Make Lovin' Fun- Fleetwood Mac
Summer Breeze- Seals and Croft
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'-Michael Jackson

Dave Thomas, You Owe Me a New Cell Phone

This is what I get for talking smack about Northern Cali...



I left my work cell phone on the tray at Wendy's and threw it away. I realized hours later. No one turned it in.

They thought I was crazy when I got on my knees in front of the trash receptical and called my lost cell with my other cell...

No one answered.

It was in the Bay Area. Wonder if that's the location that serves fingers?
Cell phone? fingers? Let your fingers do the walking?
Mingling in the trash can?

I'm thinking Arby's.

I LEFT MY HEART, I MEAN SHOPPING CART IN SAN FRANCISCO

Greetings from San Francisco. I cannot wait to get the hell out of here.


No one bathes in San Francisco. Not even the people who have jobs. Apparently it is not artistic to be clean.

Fricking Homeless-Chic...


Today God made it rain in San Francisco... because all the citizens need a bath. It rained hard. 2-million-people-hard.

There is so much dirt in San Francisco that if they planted a potato, it would spawn a harvest big enough to make McDonald's french fries worldwide for a decade. Ending world hunger.
I'm lovin' it.


Forget Los Angeles' 909-951...this is the Valley of the Dirt People...

Here are some photos. They kinda suck because it costs $25 an hour to park here. So I either snapped them from the car or got yelled at for parking in driveways.

Yes, $25 an hour. No wonder why people are homeless.



ATTENTION ALL NORTHERN CALIFORNIA DRIVERS- GET BENT! YOU FRICKING DRIVE TOO SLOW ON THE FREEWAYS,RIDE YOUR BRAKES, AND HONK FOR NO REASON. SO WHAT IF I CUT YOU OFF. HONKING IS NOT NECESSARY. I KNOW WHAT I DID. GET OVER IT.

[sigh]I detest this place. Still no cities compare to Los Angeles and New York City. Maybe Toronto, but screw Canada..

Well, I'm off to take a shower. God willing.

Your Daddy Is OJ

What You Call Him: Papito Why You Love Him: You don't love him, you just love calling him "daddy"

Who's Your Daddy?

Separated at Birth?

Justin a la Mode

Justin Timberlake's new clothing line, William Rast, is scheduled to make it's debut in early November. The whole idea spawned after the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. His name was synonymous with fashion!

The lastest trend in Hollywood is having your own Clothing Line. Look who is doing it!





P.Diddy-Sean John
Gwen Stefani- L.A.M.B.
Nelly- Vokal
Eminem-Shady
Jennifer Lopez- JLO
Eve-Fetish
Chris Kirkpatrick-FuMan Skeeto.

FuMan Skeeto?
Who the hell is Chris Kirkpatrick?

Oh....that dreadlocked guy from N'Sync...
Even though it crashed, you mean he got a clothing line before Justin Timberlake?


That is so wrong.

Hey, celebs! When you feel your career is taking a nosedive, and age is not on your side, start a clothing line company to save the day! Ask Cheryl Tieg and Jacklyn Smith.

Or if you know there really is no way you will get out of has-been hell, ask UPN actress Eve...Someone with a ghetto-fab edge will be happy to find your duds at Ross!

If These Were Real Kids, They Would Beat Up Your Honors Student

Jinx


Tyson
Tyson

MeanGirl


Look! Jinx watches Laguna Beach!

National Anti-Rice Day

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...You know those days, when you are pissed off first thing in the morning and the first person you see gets it?

I woke up to this mug...on TV, that is...


A picture speaks a thousand words...That is why I am not going to get on my soapbox and preach the million reasons to detest this dreadful creature.

Perhaps a clone?


"Show me your weapon of mass-destruction!"


"I found a fat Cuban in the Oval Office...wanna hide it?"


The ultimate alien...Someone call Immigration!"

Long Beach, I Kiss the Ground I Walk On.

Oh, geez...it feels good to be home...Just got back from my trip to Bishop, CA.
I drove through a killer place, today, a small freeway called the 178...

I saw a river!

I had never seen a river in California until today, except for the gnarly,corpse-infested, man-made Delta up in Ball-Sac-ramento. Today, I saw the Kern River, in the Sequoia National Forest.
INSERT PHOTO HERE.
I tried to upload...it would not take my load...

so nevermind...
With a photo journal all ready to go, I tried to upload a photo of the Long Beach Freeway....that didn't work...
Then tried to upload the photo of the Queen Mary that I took on the way home, no go...

I am so pissed my photos didn't work on this stupid site...

I had a friend come, and come over...get it? come...

Those photos didn't come either.

I am a slave to blog. I find myself getting pissed at something that didn't matter two months ago...
I have found a new love...its called blog. But I still love Long Beach more...

What Wouldn't Clay Aiken Do?

Backstreet Boys to Tommy Lee- "Leave our fanbase alone!"

Tempers are flying as Tommy Lee's new song and video, Good Times, hit the airwaves.
This smooth power ballad has the Backstreet Boys in an uproar, stating,

"Tommy Lee, stay away from our fans. We do not need a sixth [Boy]."


The new Tommy Lee video, features a sexy, clean-cut Tommy Lee frolicking around in a crisp, white, linen suit, poolside.

AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys, hostily stated,

"We worked hard to steal the white suit trademark from Boys 2 Men. We refuse to let Tommy steal it from us!"

Nick Carter, the blonde bombshell of the band, stated, "I thought it was bad when Justin and the Girls took us down, but Tommy Lee? I wish he would go back to Shout[ing] at the Devil. He's trying to steal our fans!"


A teary Brian Lutrell said ,

"And I thought we would have to worry about that Ryan Cabrera!"



Boys 2 Men had their popularity hay-day in the late 90s. They were soon snuffed out by newcombers Backstreet Boys who crooned power ballads like "As Long as You Love Me."

Tommy Lee's reps refused to return calls. Boys 2 Men no longer can afford a phone, nonetheless reps.

Ryan Cabrera's rep stated, "Leave Ryan out of this! He is busy trying to steal Clay Aiken's fans."

Stork to God- "Are you sure this is the right trailer park? You know what happened last time!"

Congratulations to the U.S. Census Bureau, Kori and Kaleb!

Baby Federline, born September 14th, will soon join step-siblings Kori and Kaleb as a statistic of
"where my daddy?"

Opps. I did it again.

You don't really expect that louse from Fresno to stick around for long, do you?




Wasn't this little funny-looking Spawn of Federline enough of a warning to Britney to not breed with Federline?
And the newer kid, Kaleb, is never to be seen by the paparazzi...

He must look like shit!



"Quit following us, ugly little kid!"


"Hold still, you little shit, while I try to get this mask off!"