Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow....

Attention Lurkers (Family and Friends) and Mae: This story is for you...
Back in the day, circa 1998, I thought I was all that and a bag of chips (a 1990s catch phrase, how appropriate).
I spent like 2 hours a day getting ready for work, and even longer on Saturday nights, where I was a total clubrat...

I spent much of my time chasing a guy named Shane P., whom obviously only wanted me for cheap sex, but I don't have time to get into that...

So...anyways...

I did what most wannabe Round the Way Girls did to increase their "score-ability..."

I got me a weave.
Uh-huh...that's right, girl...

Now, this was not just any old weave...this was a humungous head of glue and spiral curls down to the middle of my back, in a dark, chestnut color.
What's the significance in this story, you ask?

Well...I left a trail in my wake...not only of heartbreak and general whore-ishness, but of hair.

All over.
Friends and families' houses.
A territorial pissing, just waiting to be sucked up on "vacuum day". Big clods of human-hair shipped directly to the U.S. from Asia...Don't even get me started on what your shower drain would look like after I stayed the night at your house!
Even worse, I had rubber-based glue all over my carpet at my apartment back then...
About a year later, I decided to take it out and let my real hair grow in. I had
bald patches all over my skull and had to wear a wig for like a year until it grew back...The moral of this story is that I finally have something with Jessica Simpson....horror hair stories, and a current score-ablity of zero....


Thank you, Mae Midwest for this bringing up this tragedy...

Reno, 911!

Today I woke up thinking I was gonna be in L.A. for the rest of the week...several hours later, I find myself on a plane headed to Reno, Nevada. Gotta get to Reno, Stat!
Ahhh...Gotta love a flight on Southwest Airlines...

I am totally bored on this short flight. Let's look at my fake-Uggs...



I cheated on US Weekly with this lame-ass excuse of a magazine...it was filled with stuff I already read on Perezhilton.com weeks ago!
This guy's head itches...BAD!


This Dibert guy is all snoring...perhaps sleeping off a hangover he got from too many drinks with his coworkers at Applebee's last night...

Look! A barf bag!
Blleeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Dilbert doesn't move...
TuRbULanCE!!! Dilbert still doesn't move....

Ahhh...the bright lights of Reno...a hicktown with casinos...neat-o...
Well...that was my weak attempt at adventure. I will try harder next time...
Atlantis, here I come!

LBC In Da House....

Welcome. Please come along as we experience my neighborhood in Long Beach on a Saturday night...



Pine Avenue 8:05 PM:

Me and Mr. Neighbor (not Mr. Megan's Law Neighbor, but I know you were hoping!) head down to Starbucks for a redeye and a carrot muffin...what a glorious start for an evening of sheer adventure...


Disclaimer:
Mr. Neighbor did not allow me to post his photo, because he fears my blog is cursed. Recently, I blogged about Steve Irwin, and poof! he's dead...and then about Anna Nicole, and poof! Her son dies...Guess I should post about Paris Hilton...ya think????

So...
Off to Wasabi...time for some real nightlife...or sushi...or take your pick, men and women all around in their Saturday-night-best, looking to hook up...
Here's me with my redbull...Since I cannot drink liquor due to meds, I rely on the effervescent punch of caffeine and sugar to buzz me...

Mr. Neighbor channels his inner-cholo and chooses mucho Corona...Nothing sets off the flavor of wasabi like a mexican beer...





While scanning around this total meat market, I make eye contact...my fire of desire is lit...I am burning...yearning...filled with lust...
A piece of chocolate cake!!!

Let's zoom in, shall we?



It was love at first site... it was giving me the eye...saying, "eat me...lick me off your fingers, Hotstuff. I'm moist and delicious.."


What a vision of bliss, a perfect square of chocolatey goodness...

Then my batteries died, and I snapped photos with my phone, but now the photos sit in cell phone purgatory til my sorryass figures out how to get them onto my laptop...

Later...there is drama on da streetz...


Don't those cops know the worst crime here in LB is the intent to damage eyes of innocent bystanders with bad fashion choices????...

"Excuse me, Miss...I'm going to have to place you under arrest for wearing pencil jeans rolled up with heels...and for failure to follow the no-white shoes after Labor Day...and your friend for pre-meditated murder of the color yellow..."

This sign rocks...If I could of, I would've stolen it...and given it as a gift to one of the many pedophiles in my neighborhood...as a getting-out-of-jail-gift!


Well...thanks for joining me on my adventure. I know I am boring as hell, but hey, at least I don't own white shoes!

Tastes Like Chicken.

JINX: "What the hell is this?"
JINX:"Hey, baby...come here often?"

JINX: "Hmmmm...what's this?"

Moral of the story...everyone knows a little cock'll doodle do...






*sigh*guess we're having omelettes for breakfast...

Nice Day For A White Wedding....

What kind of moron, drives 14 hours to go to a wedding and then loses the roll of film used at the wedding????
Me.
What a dumbass I am...So here are some photos from the night before the wedding...

Surburbia at its finest- Littleton, Colorado...My friend Dave, whom I have known since I was fourteen years old, owns this with his now-wife, Kat. After living in the concrete jungle known as LA for so long, coming to a place like this is very menacing to one's mental state...but I saw stars in the sky, and played fetch with the dogs, so life was good...

The happy couple telling me, "Dammit, it's midnight...there goes my freedom forever!"

The blushing bride, Kat...she is just stunning...they have been together for like seven years...any girl that can put up with a man for that long deserves a crown...

I fell in love with a boy...his name is Baron...he has gorgeous black hair and a big, wet snout...


Dave and his mom, Carol...she is funny and cool, I hung out with her a lot those few days, we are both huge fans of coffee......Growing up, Dave had one of those houses with an attic where you could hide from the 'rents and drink, eat shrooms, and smoke...It was so hilarious, I hadn't seen his mom for about 12 years..and when we would see her, we would avoid her, as any teenager does...she said, "I don't remember you..."
I said, "It's cuz we hid from you all the time!"

And here is Shaun, Dave's younger brother, whom we tortured when he was a bratty kid...this photo makes him look all Arkansas; he really isn't missing his front teeth...what's that you say? Why yes, he does live in Arkansas, now...hard to believe he is 31, he seemed so much younger than us back then...I used to think he invented "the shroom milkshake"...one time we kicked him and his dorky friend Joel out of the car at a gas station in the hood. By the time we went to pick them up a few hours later (to teach them a lesson), their mom had to drive through rush-hour traffic to pick him up...Hence, the reason we hid from her!!!

What a fun time I had...can't wait to hang out at their house at Christmas...I wish they'd adopt me...

Finally!!!!

August 18, 3006...Cher is talking to me on the phone while srubbing the bathroom...company's a-comin'! (Cher has this cool basket in her bathroom...it has stuff in it like a hotel- shampoo, conditioner, razors, lotion...she is an awesome hostess...It was hard not to steal her towels...)

After a flight to Seattle, a drive to Tswassen Bay, and then a two hour ferry ride to Victoria, Cher and I meet, in the flesh!
Me and Cher....why does my eye look all quazi-moto? hello...moto...
The night I arrived, Cher, Rob and I went to a really cool restaurant called Pagliacci's...Here we are smoking outside, since BC is just like Cali...no smoking indoors...sheesh...damn, it was cold...and like I need to be eating pasta, I look like a whale! On a side note, Canadians say "Paa-sta"...we say Pahh--sta". Why do we sound British on that word? Its ass-backwards..

At the table, Cher spotted a fly...through the powers of Karate Kid's Myogi, I caught it.
Didn't your momma tell you not to play with your food?


Suddenly, the fly did a backflip.

He landed in the candle on the table...and poof! He was gone...To this day, Cher thinks that fly was Criss Angel...

Lookit here...foaming butt-cleaner...for toilets...
And outside the restaurant...we got some live entertainment...


Rob killed dinner for us! How delish! Hens run rampant in the streets of Victoria...
Later that night...we get a chocolate-high on Aero Bars and 100 Grands..
Rob is delighted...
I brought Gonzo a laser-light toy...we enjoy it more than he does...what's supposed to be just a speck of light turns out to be a set of eyes...very eerie...I think the magical fly had something to do with this, but I could be wrong...
Gonzo thinks we're nuts..


Remember this house from Cher's blog last October?

We went there! We were nosing around, when this old lady opens the door...she has silver hair in ringlets, a long, flowing skirt, and an apron on...Cher was brave...she said, "Hi, is this a museum? Can we have a look around?"
The weird lady took us through her mad-hatter backyard wonderland thingy...it was fricking surreal...


Cher was being all sneaky trying to snap a photo of this lady...I think it would of helped identify her if she would have mistaken Cher for Gretl and shoved her into the oven...
This is just nuts...she said she did this just cuz she wanted to...
I love that attitude...but what I would've loved more would've been for her to invite us in for tea and cookies...or at least a dip of acid...

This trip was so kickass...Thanks again to Cher and Rob and Crofton and Everett and Gonzo for their friendship...
Gawd, I love these people!!!!

oh...and damn Canadian drivers...my rental car got wrecked...