Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Call Me Fiona Apple, Cuz I'm Feeling Like A Criminal...

Just for kicks, I did some research on a Prison Wedding...

Weddings Behind Bars - The Sweetheart Ceremony (Marrying an Inmate)
Fee: $295 - $400

Upon booking your wedding with me,
Reverend Starlene Joyner, you will receive a free wedding ceremony workbook with sample ceremonies and beautiful readings. In addition, you will receive a personalized draft ceremony, and a premarital questionnaire. There is a $50 nonrefundable deposit required to secure my services for your wedding day. This deposit is subtracted from the total cost.
How delightful!

Then this buzzkill...

Make sure you leave the following items at home or in your locked car, because they are considered contraband and will not be allowed in the building:

Matches/Lighter- What? No unity candle?
Cell Phones I can't call my senile grandma and say, "No, Grandma, I said married...not buried!"
Liquor-This isn't a buzzkill, this is a boner killer! (literally and figuratively)
Cigarettes What? How am I gonna make some money on the side if I can't sell me some Kools?
Drugs Does this mean physically, or can I be under the influence, of say, muscle relaxers?
Chewing Gum So much for fresh breath! Great, my groom is gonna have mashed potato breath....
Pagers Do people even have pagers anymore?
Cameras [Sniff] No photos? I am going to look beautiful in orange...Are they nuts?

The above fees are based on writing and revising the ceremony, traveling to and from the wedding site, my time corresponding with you, officiating the ceremony, filing the county marriage license, and (if applicable) a holiday wedding fee ($60 is added to the base cost).

Please Note: All ceremonies require a valid marriage license that must be presented to me prior to my officiating the wedding ceremony.

Hmmm....now to decide...do I want Hometown Buffet or Taco Bell for my reception?


Blogger SuperSpyGal said...

I heard that after the ceremony you will both receive matching liscense plates....Yours' will say "InmatesWife"...his will say, "Inmate4Life" *wiping tear from my eye* .....I'm sorry, I always cry at wedding....

11:16 PM PST  
Blogger wmy said...

Just for kicks huh??? Admit it, you cruise the "Love an Inmate" websites don't ya? hahah BTW, go for the hometown buffet, they say that taco bell can give you the trots! Thats the last thing you want on such a memorable day right? LOL

1:04 AM PST  
Blogger wmy said...

haaaaaaaa...I just now read the previous post...I knew it!! LOL

1:05 AM PST  
Blogger yep, it's me.... said...

this is the best idea ever - are they allowed life insurance so if bubba in the next cell wipes them out for a bad bj?

2:28 AM PST  
Blogger babyjewels said...

Hey, maybe you can get matching teardrop eye tattoos. That would be badass!

4:25 AM PST  
Blogger bozette said...

Well aleast you till can have flowers.
Can't you?

4:49 AM PST  
Blogger A Little Bar of Soap said...

There is so much vile FILTH on this blog, it makes my head spin! Devil, get thee OUT!

6:08 AM PST  
Blogger LBseahag said...

superspy- even better, is that he MADE those license plates!

wmy-I don't know what's worse on my wedding day, the trots, or no consumation...hmmm...

velma-I think it only covers acts of cannibalism....

babyjewels-hahahah..that would be badass...i am gonna laugh at this one for a few hours...

little bar of soap-why thank you for your excorism efforts...can i get a free sample of the new swiffer?

7:19 AM PST  
Blogger Shannon said...

Did someone say SOAP? *Perk*... now that's something you shouldn't drop in prison... ohhh I think you two should get matching tats.. I am sure one of his friends can hook you up ... =)

10:29 AM PST  
Blogger Design Goddess said...

Hometown = more choices! But will your hubby be able to go?? Might want to bring the reception with you.

And have no fear of potato breath! There's nothing saying that you can't have those breath strip things or breath spray! Unless those constitute as drugs and/or liquor?!

Any luck on that cellmate??? ;)

10:46 AM PST  
Blogger LBseahag said...

shan-prison tats...now that is definitly a great gift!

design- i think you can get drunk on Binaca!

11:51 AM PST  
Blogger bozette said...

I don't think soap likes you.
But hey I do.
Keep up the good work and keep me laughing

12:17 PM PST  
Blogger bozette said...

Jinx look what I found check it out perfect mate.

12:37 PM PST  
Blogger cher said...

LMAO!! Oh MEL! I only had time to scan your blog, but i think i get the jist of what you are up to and i was laughing so hard, i woke up crofton....now i have to go. thanks for the laugh in a fairly uneventful, but peaceful day.

12:42 PM PST  
Blogger mrshife said...

This is awesome, I am so excited for you.

12:51 PM PST  
Blogger LBseahag said...

St. Soap, I am filled with God's love for you!

(actually, barofsoap is a parody site...its all good)

1:16 PM PST  
Blogger Phats said...

you are insane, but go for Hometown Buffet!

1:21 PM PST  
Blogger LBseahag said...

bozette- I plan on spending some quality time on that monkeyboy site!

1:40 PM PST  

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